If we could choose the road of life we’d like to travel, it would most likely be smooth and flat and an easy journey with much beauty along the way. The journey of my life looks more like this frozen black road, but now I really can see a glimmer of light at the end. Or is that wishful thinking?It’s been a long road, with many changes and adjustments along the way. My new life is not one I chose. It’s not even one I necessarily want. The fact that it’s been good for me personally, doesn’t’ mean it’s been at all easy. I don’t think I am anything close to what I was meant to be, or maybe, I am exactly that. It’s not useful to waste time wondering.
It seems that all of my life, until just a few years ago, my days were spent waiting for the future. Each day was devoted to my children, my husband and family and I worked to make life nice for everyone else. These were not meaningless things, (except where my husband was concerned). I enjoyed being a mom, but I went to bed exhausted every night. And occasionally, if I had a moment to think, I would envision my life in the future. I pictured freedom and peaceful, unhurried moments. No one tagging along with me. No one directing my choices. Wondering how my life would be if it was about me. After a while I got dumbed down and accepted my lot in life. What else was there to do? I was the robot who performed it’s duties as programmed, in continuous repetition.
Even now, I find it difficult to describe myself without mentioning someone else. I am the mother of four kids, but what am I on my own? Not much. Not yet. Because after years of being the wind beneath their wings, I suddenly have to grow wings of my own. I am new to this. I have to think about me as a single person, not tied to anyone else. Almost. I still have a teenage son, so I’m not making decisions for only me just yet.
All I know is that I am glad I am not the person I was. With no one to count on, I must be smart. I must make good decisions. I have to keep going, and that means staying healthy. Eating well and taking Juice Plus gives me a good shot at overcoming my PKD and continuing to have good health as I age.
I have to have money to live, and that means being creative. I’ve already surprised myself at my success at running an online business. At my age, there is not time to begin some new money making venture. I can’t take chances. I also don’t want to have to work forever. The goal is to do something I enjoy, and make money from it; enough so I can live and not just survive.
I am no longer exhausted at the end of each day. There is time to think. I actually read books now!
The road is long, but now it’s leading me in the right direction. I know it will end…. somewhere. That is all I know for sure.
(The photo is mine. It was taken one winter morning, from the driveway of my first of many rental houses in New Hampshire.)